What We Want/Don't Want As Gifts for Father's Day
Ladies, as Father's Day steadily approaches, we men have had discussions in our local barbershop, sports bars and basketball courts about what we want and don't want for Father's Day and I, Shawn William have been nominated to let you all know the gifts we do & do not want.
We Want: Peace.
Some men said "Just STFU!" but I didn't want to be that cruel. Men don't want to hear about your girlfriend Stephanie who can't keep a man, who wore the same dress as you or none of that shit. We want peace and quiet.
What We DON'T Want: Underwear & Socks
"Ain't THIS a bitch?" is said by 97.8% of men who receive socks & underwear from their child's mother for Father’s Day. We don't give a damn if our shit has holes in the trap, our left cheek is hanging out and all you can read is "HA" on our "HANES" boxers, WE DON'T WANT THAT SHIT ON FATHER'S DAY!
What We Want On Father's Day: Season Tickets
No heffa, not to the theatre. Football, Basketball, Baseball...season tickets for our favorite team. Yeah, they're expensive but so was that car engine you blew because you didn't tell us that the oil light has been on for 4 years.
What We DON'T Want: To BBQ
”How the fuck do you have me cooking on MY day?“ Isn't that what you asked us last month? Well! Also, don’t buy me a new grill, new grilling wear, new forks none of that shit! I'm not going to get all smokey on my damn day off.
What We DO want: An Apology
Remember when I told you that your friend Stephanie wasn't shit? Remember when I said "Sacramento is the state's capital" and you argued that it was Los Angels? Remember when I told you that Heavy D was in Biggie's "One More Chance" Remix video? Well, today's the day to pay up. And I don't want no "I'm sorry that you feel that way" or "Well, it's neither here nor there" bullshit, No mutha f*&*@a apologize!
What We DON'T want: Father's Day Sex
Don't get me wrong, we'll take sex, but not "Father's Day Sex". That shit is barely better than "Birthday Sex". Just your lazy, ashy ass butt cheek up, dry feet in the hair, toes ain't done telling us to "Hurry up" like we're punching a clock ass sex. Are those kitten heels? Nah, We're good.
What We DO Want: Freak Nasty Skank Sex
Use some of those Tik Tok challenge dances on our face. Give us the "Gawk Gawk 3000". Make it clap, wear your "good wig" and NO kitten heels.
What We DON'T Want: A Tie.
Da Fuq? And make sure the kids don't get us that shit either.
What We DO Want: Something that brings us peace & is nostalgic
A record player or boom box with Bluetooth. Get your man a record player and 5 or 10 of his favorite albums. Tupac's "Me Against the World", Nas "Illmatic", Outkast "Stankonia" hell Oran Juice Jones or Rick James.
What We DON'T Want: Bitter Baby Mama Posts in Our Timelines
Look, I'm sorry that your baby daddy keeps taking your car and bringing it back on 1/4 tank. I'm sorry that he got 3 women pregnant this year and is complaining about paying you $37 a month for child support. I'm sorry that you had to teach your son how to tie a tie, ride a bike and pee straight but YOU AIN'T NO DAMN FATHER!!! You're just an incredible mother doing a great job and we celebrated your funky ass last month so KNOCK IT TF OFF. Like the late great philosopher Earl Simmons once eloquently said "STOP BEING GREEDY! ARF! ARF!"
What We DO Want: A Pair of Retro Jordans
1's, 4's 5's 9's or 11's preferably. Many of us couldn't get them when we were kids or had them when we were kids but felt they're too expensive now. Get him a pair so he can reminisce. If he hates Jordan then get him some
Penny's or Grant Hill's
What We Don't Want: You telling us "I'm Pregnant"
Gas cost $7 a gallon, chicken wings $27 a pound, Monkey Pox, White boys shooting up everything and you're telling me that we're bringing another life into this world on MY DAY when the Rapture is near?
What We DO Want: A Threesome
Aye, don't kill the messenger but this is what "THEY" requested. Even though Stephanie ain't shit she did have a fat ass so maybe something can be worked out? Plus, we all know that you two kissed and bumped groins in Tulum last Summer so we're 2/3’s there.
What We DON'T Want: Go to a Juneteenth Festival
Look, "Power to the people" and all that shit, but I ain't trying to listen to a bunch of speeches, n****s yelling about "Da man" and poets talking about "Willie Lynched Us" bullshit and I'm a spoken word poet!!!! I'm trying to relax not revolt.
What We DON’T Want: Tools
Ladies, you ain’t slick. Buying us this s*** so next week you can tell me all the things around the house that need fixing? That’s slave labor Ma’am. Weez free!
Happy Father's Day Fellas!
Shawn William is an award winning writer and artist who likes Peaceful walks, Kendrick Lamar albums, lower gas prices, Kelly Rowland's thigh meat and Jill Scott's smile. @iamshawnwilliam