Damien & Demons
Title: Damian & Demons
By Shawn William
I put the gun to my mouth because
It’s the only thing I’ve eaten in days
My best work is off stage
In front of people who care about me
So I give award winning performances
To convince them that I’m ok
Because being a black man in America
It is not ok to say “I’m not ok”
It is often frowned upon
Shown as a sign of weakness
So instead of self care
We self medicate
Eat unhealthy
Live recklessly
Die in toxic relationship
They say that
“Depression is like living in a body
That fights to survive
With a mind that’s trying to die”
And I can’t lie
Sometimes I no longer have the mental capacity
Or strength to be the “Strong Friend”
Trying to put out everyone’s fires
When I’m living in a smoldering house
Do you know what a cry for help from
A black man sounds like
“I’m good”
“It’s cool”
“Nah for real, I got this”
“Just gon’ keep it pushing”
Little do you know
That I’m pushing everything away
Emotions
Friends
Family
You
Baby these aren’t vulnerability poems
These are suicide letters
Written with a pen dipped in formaldehyde
With metaphors used as medication
To numb & hide the pain
A testimony
My last Shawn Will and testament
Either cremated or wearing a slim fitted cream suit
in a Mahogany casket
Tombstone saying
Here lies the liar
Failed father
Husband turned has been
Introvert man
Dealing with manic depression
Tone you better keep your promise
Read my obituary
And make sure there aren’t any fake bitches
Crying over me at the cemetery
February 22nd 2016
I was let go from my job
My marriage was in shambles
Got a text from my mother telling me
That she was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer
And if that wasn’t enough the check engine light in came on
In a car that I could no longer afford came on for the first time
Aye ya’ll I was done
Ready to quit
To keep it honest with you
I cried uncontrollably like a child
Needing someone to hold me
Because I was tired of holding on
Ready to let life go with these big ass hands
And take an infinite nap
Dying in the bed that I made for myself
But a funny thing happens when you’re fortunate enough to see the sun come up
Go to facebook and see a 1 year memory
of you & your son come up
That’s when you realize
You have something worth living for
And the world doesn’t need another
Fatherless child lost to gunfire
That was four years ago
And I’m not going to lie and say that I haven’t had some bad days since
But I can tell you that I’m still here
I’m fortunate
Blessed
Ok.
No, for real "I’m good"
This is dedicated to myself, my former housemate Damien & any person of color male who has struggled or is struggling with depression. You don't have to go through it alone.